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Author Topic: Jokers Silly Joke Thread  (Read 12141 times)

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JoKer

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #390 on: July 05, 2010, 08:45:12 am »
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new  apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom  where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
 
 'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
 
 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
 
 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
 
 'Yup,' replied the drunk.
 
 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
 
 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an  ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
 
 The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
 
 Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole!  It's three-fifteen in the morning!
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I say go for it, you cant kill an engine from over/under fueling it so why not try?

NotAWhiteGTB

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #391 on: July 14, 2010, 12:45:07 pm »
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the  same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Fastfour                                     vs                                  NotAWhiteGTB

boostin

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #392 on: July 14, 2010, 05:18:53 pm »
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
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QRAF

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #393 on: July 15, 2010, 03:57:33 pm »
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"I'm not 100% sure but I'm sure some one will tell me if I'm not correct"

JoKer

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #394 on: July 15, 2010, 07:16:21 pm »
so I had to share this email joke I got today:

I LIKE THIS GUYS ATTITUDE!!!!!!!
One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT :

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camelshagger to save just one Scottish soldier's life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'
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I say go for it, you cant kill an engine from over/under fueling it so why not try?

sooby

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #395 on: July 20, 2010, 12:19:22 pm »
Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."
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QRAF

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #396 on: July 22, 2010, 09:36:10 am »
priest checks into a hotel, says to clerk... i hope the porn is disabled, she replys NO its just normal porn you sick bastard...
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"I'm not 100% sure but I'm sure some one will tell me if I'm not correct"

JoKer

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #397 on: July 24, 2010, 10:39:49 am »
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
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I say go for it, you cant kill an engine from over/under fueling it so why not try?

sooby

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #398 on: July 26, 2010, 09:25:47 am »
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
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QRAF

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #399 on: July 26, 2010, 09:57:30 am »
...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai



Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)


There is something about a Marine that makes other countries listen to reason.
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"I'm not 100% sure but I'm sure some one will tell me if I'm not correct"

madmike

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #400 on: July 28, 2010, 05:42:06 pm »

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.  He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big f***ing nigger is dancing on a car roof!"

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
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JoKer

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #401 on: July 28, 2010, 05:49:04 pm »
took me a while...
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I say go for it, you cant kill an engine from over/under fueling it so why not try?

wrx_lou

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #402 on: July 28, 2010, 06:27:04 pm »
 :D
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B4 2000

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #403 on: July 28, 2010, 07:08:25 pm »

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.  He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big f***ing nigger is dancing on a car roof!"

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

But but it's a GMC ???
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madmike

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Re: Jokers Silly Joke Thread
« Reply #404 on: July 28, 2010, 07:17:19 pm »

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.  He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big f***ing nigger is dancing on a car roof!"

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

But but it's a GMC ???

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Sierra
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